International ladies

We went to Canada this weekend.  For no particular reason other than an extra day off and cabin fever.  The girls had a lot of fun.  There was the excitement of sharing a hotel bed. That was probably the hardest part.  The girls would play, fight and cause trouble every night for two hours after bed.

There was a petting zoo with wallabies, kangaroos, goats, chicken, turkeys, and many more animals.  There were even momma kangaroos with joeys in their pouches.

There was a city beach with a playground.  There was hotel pool time and an indoor playground that the girls just LOVED, but I didn't take any pictures.

And finally, there was a waterfall hike to end the adventure.

Six months

It's hard to believe that yesterday it was six months since Paige left us for something better.

It was so strange.  I suspected Paige would die overnight.  Her skin color was way off, her breathing shallow.  So I was shocked when mid pajama change, I suddenly realized she didn't take a breathe.  I waited and no other breathes followed.  One minute here, the next minute not.

We quickly got Clara and Natalie up to bed, with a really fast bedtime routine.  Then we called hospice to report her death.  It took forever for the nurse to get here and even longer for the funeral home.  I finished dressing Paige, switched out her blankets because I wanted to keep the one she had and did her hair one last time.  I considered painting her nails one last time, but it seemed beyond ridiculous, so we sent her off with days old nail polish.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was sitting on the couch, with Paige resting not far from me and the girls in their beds for naps.  Sometimes it seems like she was never even really here, like she was just a figment of my imagination.  Sometimes I forget she's not here anymore and wonder how she and Nathan are doing together while I shop for groceries, only to suddenly realize that she is not at home.

By the time we reach the one year anniversary of her death, our family will be five again.  It's even harder to believe that.  Natalie still visits Paige in heaven by looking at pictures of her.  Clara still recognizes and says Paige when she sees a picture.  The next child will never have met Paige, which seems terribly sad. 

I can go to school now!

Potty training went very well.  It's shocking.  My neighbor suggested I write a book about one day potty training.  I just shrug my shoulders and take what I get.  I got lucky.  At first I couldn't believe how lucky I was that it was so easy.  Basically, Clara was trained in a day, Natalie in two.  Then I got to thinking.  Outraged Brenda popped her head into my brain and shouted, the last three years have been anything but easy, YOU WERE DUE FOR EASY.  So yes, potty training was really unbelievably easy, but I've earned easy.  Thank you universe for finally giving me a break.  I really truly appreciate it.

We have had one or two accidents, but overall nothing major.  In a week or two, I will probably take pull ups away at nap time.  The girls don't pee during naps.  I could probably do it today, but better to be safe.  Natalie is consistently going to bed at night and waking up dry.  She will probably lose her night pants shortly afterwards.  Clara seems to pee at night if she wakes up angry over who knows what.  She will stay in training pants at night longer.

An unexpected hiccup is that Natalie now wants to go to preschool.  Three months ago, when I was trying to convince her to potty train, I talked about how she needed to potty to go to school.  I haven't mentioned it since.  I gave up on her potty training and figured she'd stay at home another year.  Several times a day, Natalie tells me how she needs to go to school.  Except school starts like now and all schools are filled up (of the ones I've found).  So..yeah.

What started so well

Yesterday went pretty well.  

Clara had one accident, Natalie pooped on her bed but later in the day pooped on the potty.  Overall, not too bad. 

Clara cries at night now if she pees between when we put her to bed and when she falls asleep.  We already try to have them see if they need to pee before bed.  Still trying to problem solve that one.  I've told her she can call for me and I will let her go potty.  So far she just cries out after the fact.

Today they woke up and peed in their training pants, which is fine. They were quiet and I didn't get to them on time.  Neither minded.

After that, they both peed in the potty not long after.  I got arrogant and gave them skirts with no panties.  They did pretty well. 

Until Natalie skipped a nap for the third day in a row.  I figured it hadn't been too long since she peed so I wouldn't nag her.  She's nervous on the potty and runs back and forth and back and forth.  I figured maybe if I nagged less she would be less anxious. Earlier we had worked on reading books and singing songs to keep her on for longer so maybe she would relax and pee.  Then she was caught up in making food for a toy and peed on the floor.  She managed to stop but was very upset (exaggerated because she hasn't napped). 

Then she spent a half hour on the potty.

Would not get off.  It was ridiculous.  Finally, I made her get off to go play.  I explained we would never be able to do anything fun if she wouldn't get off the potty, so she had to learn to pee without sitting on the potty all day.  She was upset.  She reluctantly moved on.  She went back a few more times and after a bit I would call her back off.  Finally she went back on and peed.

Hopefully the next potty episode is less everything.  Less anxiety ridden.  Less prolonged.  Less whatever you want to call it.

Potty training days

A few weeks ago, I decided on a whim to see if Clara would poop in the potty.  She was so obvious about pooping, it was really easy to just grab her and throw her on the potty.  The first time she cried, so we didn't do it again.  Then last week I decided to try again, she was down with it and in three days she was asking to change before she started to poop.  I tried to convince Natalie she should do this too, she didn't want to.

Then over the weekend, I decided, enough was enough, I know Natalie knows when she's going to the bathroom. I know she can do it, she just doesn't want to.  So I took away her training pants.  She just kept peeing her pants.  So I took away all pants and underwear and training pants from both girls.

Natalie did ok after that, she'd dribble a little on the flor and run to the bathroom and after several on and offs she eventually would pee on the potty.  Natalie goes on so much and Clara excitedly chases her that so far we mostly get lucky and Clara pees too.

Yesterday, Clara had one accident and Natalie had teeny tiny close calls but mostly peed on the potty.

Today is day two of naked.  Clara so far peed on the potty and after a half an hour of back and forth, Natalie finally went.  Hopefully things keep going this well and hopefully Natalie can cut down the back and forth some by learning to relax a little.   I will have them naked from the waist down for several more days.  I might then upgrade them to skirts only for another week.

But for now, we are ladies who don't leave the house so we can learn to use the bathroom.

It's strange really to be training them both at the same time.  It's something I originally imagined for Paige and Natalie, but I ended waiting so long for Natalie that Clara just so happens to maybe be able to do it too.

In my defense, I did start training Natalie about six months ago, she was not too excited but would humor me.  I stopped because Paige kept getting sick and would be up all night vomiting, which meant I was up to make sure she was ok and potty training and no patience just done mix.  I think that start and stop initially made this new attempt harder with Natalie, she simply did not want to.  Hopefully, we are moving past that now.

Bedtime tantrums

Every single night.

For months.

Will it ever end?

Clara throws fits at bedtime.  It's anoying.  Frustrating.  Blood pressure raising.  And apparently unavoidable.

I've ignored her.  I've given into her demands.  I've taken crib toys as punishment.  I've reasoned.  I've ignored for five minutes, then ten, then fifteen.  I've refused to come up to her and loudly blew kisses from down below.  I've met her at the gate so she could see me but not cuddle me.  I've let her take three hour naps.  I've let her enjoy one hour naps at her choosing.  I let her sleep in if she likes.  I allow her to leave her bed and play if she wants.  I've attempted to have running sessions outdoor after nap time to wear her out for bed.  I've increased the length of our bedtime routine.  I've cut down the length of our routine.

It doesn't matter what I try.  Every single night, sometimes for an hour or two.  Clara cries off and on until eventually she goes to bed.

Her newest thing is she wants tucked in.  Simple enough.  Except she up tucks herself within a minute.  Then she wants you to tuck her in again when she gets the urge.  Then she repeats, over and over and over again.  Last night she woke up at three in the morning, shouting TUCK IN!!!!  TUCK IN!!!!

It's maddening.  I often remind myself, eventually this will pass.  So far, it has not.

Two girls at the beach

So....this is happening

Shortly after Paige died, as I do each morning, I was walking by the half of our room that was supposed to be hers.  I decided it could no longer be empty as it was just too depressing. So we converted it into our office, complete with coloring table for the girls.

Then I decided I didn't want to have any more babies really.  I had experienced enough.  I was done.  

So we moved our adult furniture and rugs upstairs.  Our house was looking like our house again, with a smattering of kid stuff mixed in.

We even moved in Nathan's inherited furniture from his grandma.  Our blank formal room, which had been just the kids playroom was now a room for adults...with a dollhouse for a coffee table.

Then this one showed up and was all "SURPRISE!!!!!"

Currently, I'm closing in on 9 weeks pregnant.  I considered not mentioning it for a while, in case something bad happens to our gummy bear.  But then I remembered the most awful thing had already happened, one of our kids was tragically sick and died.  So for better or worse, I decided to announce it when we got our first ultrasound photo.

Gummy bear is expected February 3 ish.   

Punkers cousin

A month or two ago, people would ask what punkers was doing outside.  We'd be confused, punkers spends about five minutes outside a week.  So we'd look around and find her inside.  There was a strange little punkers look alike coming around.  When I'd see him, I'd tell the girls punkers cousin was visiting.  

Punkers cousin was very sitting at first.  If you opened th door, he ran.  Then one day, I heard a kitty meow.  Then I saw punkers cousin coming right at me.  So I gave him a can of food.  He ate it like it was nothing.  So I gave him a cup of dry cat food.  Again he ate it like it was nothing.  Natalie and Clara threw their peanut butter sandwiches at him.  He ate those too.  I think punkers cousin might have been close to starving to death.

So punkers cousin now sleep on blankets on the porch, gets played with and eats food we give him.  Punkers cousin prefers people food to that cat food crap, but if it's his only option he will eat it.  One day we had a picnic outside.  He wouldnt leave the girls alone.  He got his own plate.  Turns out punkers cousin likes corn. 

Currently, things are strained with him and the girls.  Punkers keeps trying to murder him.  It terrifies the girls, so now they like him a little bit less and insist he can't come inside otherwise the kitties will fight.  Once he gets fixed though, he will have to be inside for a few days.  That will make things even more interesting.

Yelling at the cat:  you don't lay down, you get up and play with me!

To swim or not swim

I haven't posted in a while.  I haven't had anything to post about really.  It's been much of the same old, same old.

Things have gotten a bit more interesting the past week or two.  We kind of mostly adopted a stray cat.  It lives outside our house, we feed it, pet it, play with it.  A post about that will come later.  He will officially be adopted after he gets fixed and all of his shots.

Natalie also started swim class.  Natalie doesn't like water.  It's been going pretty well.  She has been hesitant and normally will come around given time.  Until she met the noodle.  The noodle was a disaster.  She just didn't understand it would keep her afloat.  None of the kids did.  And they all kind of kept bobbing under the water anyways...so perhaps the instructor was a little too optimistic about how handing a three year old a noodle would work out?  The instructor eventually brought out a second noodle for each kid, but for Natalie, it was too little too late.  Fear had set in.

Here are her pictures from swimming.  She only took half of the class, we had other commitments in the wah of the second half.  I enrolled her to repeat the class.  Hopefully the first week of repeating what she learned will help give some confidence back before she meets the noodle again.

A hike for Mother's Day weekend

Now that our family situation has changed, we have a freedom again that was once lost.  I used to look at the things people would go do and mourn it. Paige would never be able to climb a mountain, so we wouldn't be able to either, at least not all of us together as a family.

The weekend of Paige's memorial, someone posted a wild flower hike they did on their way back home.  It was beautiful.  I instantly decided we needed to do it.  The girls are young, we'd have to carry them, but it would be alright.

So this weekend, we went and did it with another family.  We made it maybe halfway if you are being extremely generous.  Nathan went to the top with the other dad, while the mom and her kids helped me down with mine.  After we left, the dads met a rattlesnake...so probably good that we stopped when we did!

It was pretty.  We will do it again in a few years when the girls are older and more capable.

This is the point we went separate directions.