A memorial for Paige

I haven't posted in a while.  I've been busy getting things ready for Paige's memorial.

The weekend was crazy.  Friday night, we had 19 people sleep over.  Saturday, we had 23.    On Thursday I made a huge Costco run and that was our food for the weekend.

I didn't sleep we'll for a week before the memorial...because so many people were going to be sleeping over and I had a eulogy to write and all I could think of to say was, Paige had a crap life and then Paige died.  I figured it wouldn't go over well, so I spent nights fretting about how that was all I had to say.

A friend with a child similar to Paige checked in on me because she knew the memorial was coming up and she helped me come up with stuff to say.  It was really nice of her and must have been hard to put herself in my shoes for some time.

When I don't sleep well, I cry easily.  So a half hour before Paige's memorial was to start, I started crying.  It was rather ridiculous.  I was hiding in my bathroom, holding Clara and listening to my niece chatter on about something and was crying.

Finally, I pulled myself together and started the memorial, after everyone arrived.  I started crying during the poem, because tired does that to me and I imagined a car driving off of a cliff.  I just kept thinking, keep going!!!  Keep going!!!  The car will right itself if you just keep going!!!  I pulled I back together not too long after.

I explained our new pink dogwood tree.  A tree we planted because it would be pink in spring and Paige was so very pretty in pink.  It's supposed to be pretty all year long and will stand out well against our evergreens.

I started with a poem by anonymous:

In tears we saw you sinking

And watched you pass away

Our hearts were broken

Because we wanted you to stay

When we saw you slipping away

So peaceful and free of pain

How could we wish you back  with us

To suffer that again

It broke our hearts to lose you

But you did not go alone

For a part of us went with you

The day God took you home

Then I talked about our dreams.  I had dreamed of Paige and Natalie playing together, running, laughing, holding hands, but that wasn't to be.  So I dreamed of her learning to sit, grow strong and to still play with her sisters, just in a manner more appropriate to her skills, but that also wasn't to be.  So I dreamed of her not hurting, of not suffering, of her not having to fight for every single moment of her life. Most of all, I hoped that despite everything, she somehow knew she was loved.

Then I talked about Paige.  Paige was sick her whole life and spent her final weeks surrounded by those that loved her.  She had eight months without a seizure, during which she learned to roll over and to explore things with her mouth and hands.  She liked bells, music, sweet treats and being held. She hated being cold and for a while baths.  If she encountered something she didn't prefer, she would pretend to be asleep.  Her death is a curse and blessing. For while she is no longer here, she also no longer suffers.

Then I spread her ashes around her tree.  And as I got the last of her ashes out, I heard a car pull up our driveway.  No kidding.  Oh well, we started a half hour late.

The rest of the day was eating and visiting.

Today I was working on our yearly photo book and had to do February, our last month with Paige.  It'sstill strange  to think that there will never be a new picture of her.

Memory bears

A few days after Paige passed, Natalie wanted to pick out clothes for her to wear as she usually would.  I told her Paige didn't need her clothes anymore because she had all new clothes in heaven.  I went to pick out clothes for Clara, but Natalie wouldn't agree on any outfit.  Finally, I had her pick out some clothes that were only Paige's and no one else would wear them.  After we did that, Clara was allowed to wear clothes again.

Shortly after that, I had some memory bears made out of some of Paige's clothes for them and the cousins.

Originally, Natalie was going to have the larger bear, but of course she didn't want it.  Clara was happy to have it though.  Natalie also wanted all of the bears of course.  When I explained she could have one and only one, she picked the orange one.  For a few days, she would ask for a different one and I would tell her she had to put the orange bear back to play with a different one.  She would eventually decide to keep the orange one instead.

After it was clear which one Natalie really wanted, we told her who the other ones were for.  Now every day, Natalie points at the bear and says who it is for.

This weekend, she happily gave half the bears away to her cousins. In a week and a half, she will give the others away.  Until then, we will point at them and say who they are for.

A bedtime experiment

Our plan for a really long time has been to renovate Clara's room and to have Natalie and Clara share it.

We started it before Christmas.  I predicted it wouldn't be finished until March.  It's April, it's not finished.  Life happened.  Priorities got shifted.  Other parts of the house were worked on instead.

Clara has been having a harder time falling asleep at naps and night.  She's always been rather good, put her down and she'd go to bed.  Lately, she's been obviously up still, and at times, upset.

So today, on a whim, we moved Natalie in.  The room will get finished, but now, they can have each other to interact with after lights out.  Maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

Clara wanted to sleep in Natalie's bed with her.  Because, obviously, that's why we moved them in together.

Clara was still upset at bedtime.  But after we put her to bed, we'd hear occasional crying and then giggling, then crying, then Natalie telling Clara to stop crying, then more giggles.  We went up and spied occasionally, Natalie was in and out of bed, they were trading toys, playing games, etc.  the crying would start when Natalie stopped playing.  They were up a really long time, but both went to sleep.  It will be interesting to see how things turn out.

Our room seems ridiculously huge and empty now.  Originally, Paige was going to move into the area where Natalie slept.  Now there is just a big empty space.

A memorial wall

We have decided that in addition to any pictures randomly displayed in our house, that we would have two memorial walls for Paige.  The first is up in the main hallway upstairs with the bedroom.  The other will eventually be in the girls room.  They won't remember her when they are older, but we hope that they will know they had another sister.

Today, I finished the first one.  Now when anyone comes up the stairs to go to bed, they will see our Paige.

Spring days

Spring is awesome here.  It's sunny, occasionally rains and is hot but not too hot.  The girls have been having an amazing spring.

Bathroom remodel

Since Pigaloo's passing, I've been keeping myself busy working on home projects.

It's surprising to me just how much I've gotten done lately.  Both in terms of home repairs and running errands or playing with the girls.  Turns out, I've spent a very big part of my days next to pigaloo.

An unexpected but suddenly needed task was to renovate the basement bathroom.  The basement was to be last, but we are having lots of company for Pigaloo's memorial.  We will be using the basement and its bathroom and the bathroom failed the "would I want to use it test".  So the basement bathroom moved to the top of the list.

First up, Nathan had to rip into the ceiling, because the bathroom kept getting mold and dirt all over it.  He figured out the bathroom was a sloppy add on and that the fan vent was hooked onto the dryer vent.  All the lint was up ping into the bathroom.  Talk about a fire hazard.

So we paid someone to mud it.  Then we looked at a few other things, such as lots, fixed a few of those fire hazards and I got to painting and decorating.

Before:

Minus some wallpaper.  I hate wall paper.  Mainly because I hate removing wall paper.

After:

I'm down to paint touch up, putting in a small shelf, putting away stuff and buying linens.

The good thing about renovating?  It's a good distraction and is nice to have goals.

April

Today marks a new month.  Our second new month since Pigaloo left this world.  This month we will have her memorial.  It's barely three weeks away.  Technically, there isn't much for me to do before then.  It's a small thing, so there isn't much to do.  It also feels like there is just so much to do.

Next month will be out third month without her...next month she would've turned three.

Life has been strange without her.  She's gone that's for certain.  I used to look over to where she would lay and expect to see her.  I don't do that anymore, I know she isn't here.  I've gotten used to her being gone.

I use to explain to her neurologist that it was like she was physically present but not really here.  That statement seems ever so more true now.  It's sad.  She isn't here anymore, but in a way, it's like she was never really here.

We took care of her, we helped her, we fed her, we held her, we bathed her and put her to bed and we loved her.  It was all one sided.

The neurologist used to ask if we thought she knew who we were and I would answer no.  I still don't think she knew who we were.  It doesn't matter anymore, but I hope that somehow she felt loved.