It was so strange. I suspected Paige would die overnight. Her skin color was way off, her breathing shallow. So I was shocked when mid pajama change, I suddenly realized she didn't take a breathe. I waited and no other breathes followed. One minute here, the next minute not.
We quickly got Clara and Natalie up to bed, with a really fast bedtime routine. Then we called hospice to report her death. It took forever for the nurse to get here and even longer for the funeral home. I finished dressing Paige, switched out her blankets because I wanted to keep the one she had and did her hair one last time. I considered painting her nails one last time, but it seemed beyond ridiculous, so we sent her off with days old nail polish.
Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was sitting on the couch, with Paige resting not far from me and the girls in their beds for naps. Sometimes it seems like she was never even really here, like she was just a figment of my imagination. Sometimes I forget she's not here anymore and wonder how she and Nathan are doing together while I shop for groceries, only to suddenly realize that she is not at home.
By the time we reach the one year anniversary of her death, our family will be five again. It's even harder to believe that. Natalie still visits Paige in heaven by looking at pictures of her. Clara still recognizes and says Paige when she sees a picture. The next child will never have met Paige, which seems terribly sad.
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