So....this is happening

Shortly after Paige died, as I do each morning, I was walking by the half of our room that was supposed to be hers.  I decided it could no longer be empty as it was just too depressing. So we converted it into our office, complete with coloring table for the girls.

Then I decided I didn't want to have any more babies really.  I had experienced enough.  I was done.  

So we moved our adult furniture and rugs upstairs.  Our house was looking like our house again, with a smattering of kid stuff mixed in.

We even moved in Nathan's inherited furniture from his grandma.  Our blank formal room, which had been just the kids playroom was now a room for adults...with a dollhouse for a coffee table.

Then this one showed up and was all "SURPRISE!!!!!"

Currently, I'm closing in on 9 weeks pregnant.  I considered not mentioning it for a while, in case something bad happens to our gummy bear.  But then I remembered the most awful thing had already happened, one of our kids was tragically sick and died.  So for better or worse, I decided to announce it when we got our first ultrasound photo.

Gummy bear is expected February 3 ish.   

Punkers cousin

A month or two ago, people would ask what punkers was doing outside.  We'd be confused, punkers spends about five minutes outside a week.  So we'd look around and find her inside.  There was a strange little punkers look alike coming around.  When I'd see him, I'd tell the girls punkers cousin was visiting.  

Punkers cousin was very sitting at first.  If you opened th door, he ran.  Then one day, I heard a kitty meow.  Then I saw punkers cousin coming right at me.  So I gave him a can of food.  He ate it like it was nothing.  So I gave him a cup of dry cat food.  Again he ate it like it was nothing.  Natalie and Clara threw their peanut butter sandwiches at him.  He ate those too.  I think punkers cousin might have been close to starving to death.

So punkers cousin now sleep on blankets on the porch, gets played with and eats food we give him.  Punkers cousin prefers people food to that cat food crap, but if it's his only option he will eat it.  One day we had a picnic outside.  He wouldnt leave the girls alone.  He got his own plate.  Turns out punkers cousin likes corn. 

Currently, things are strained with him and the girls.  Punkers keeps trying to murder him.  It terrifies the girls, so now they like him a little bit less and insist he can't come inside otherwise the kitties will fight.  Once he gets fixed though, he will have to be inside for a few days.  That will make things even more interesting.

Yelling at the cat:  you don't lay down, you get up and play with me!

To swim or not swim

I haven't posted in a while.  I haven't had anything to post about really.  It's been much of the same old, same old.

Things have gotten a bit more interesting the past week or two.  We kind of mostly adopted a stray cat.  It lives outside our house, we feed it, pet it, play with it.  A post about that will come later.  He will officially be adopted after he gets fixed and all of his shots.

Natalie also started swim class.  Natalie doesn't like water.  It's been going pretty well.  She has been hesitant and normally will come around given time.  Until she met the noodle.  The noodle was a disaster.  She just didn't understand it would keep her afloat.  None of the kids did.  And they all kind of kept bobbing under the water anyways...so perhaps the instructor was a little too optimistic about how handing a three year old a noodle would work out?  The instructor eventually brought out a second noodle for each kid, but for Natalie, it was too little too late.  Fear had set in.

Here are her pictures from swimming.  She only took half of the class, we had other commitments in the wah of the second half.  I enrolled her to repeat the class.  Hopefully the first week of repeating what she learned will help give some confidence back before she meets the noodle again.

A hike for Mother's Day weekend

Now that our family situation has changed, we have a freedom again that was once lost.  I used to look at the things people would go do and mourn it. Paige would never be able to climb a mountain, so we wouldn't be able to either, at least not all of us together as a family.

The weekend of Paige's memorial, someone posted a wild flower hike they did on their way back home.  It was beautiful.  I instantly decided we needed to do it.  The girls are young, we'd have to carry them, but it would be alright.

So this weekend, we went and did it with another family.  We made it maybe halfway if you are being extremely generous.  Nathan went to the top with the other dad, while the mom and her kids helped me down with mine.  After we left, the dads met a rattlesnake...so probably good that we stopped when we did!

It was pretty.  We will do it again in a few years when the girls are older and more capable.

This is the point we went separate directions.

Birthdays

It's hard to believe that it has been three years since Natalie and Paige were born.  It's even harder to believe that only one is celebrating her third birthday.  Happy third birthday to my Natalie.  Happy first birthday in heaven to my Paige.

Natalie had a nice birthday.  It started with randomly finding a bunny that has been missing for at least a half a year.  Natalie was so excited for her new birthday bunny.

Then we were at a store and walked by the guy filling up the vending machine toys.  One had broken open and he gave it to my girls.  Again, very exciting.

Then we had a play date at a very exciting pizza place with a play area similar to the McDonald's set up, but probably 10 times bigger.  She got lost a few times, but the bigger kids helped her out, which was very nice of them.

It all culminated with hello kitty cupcakes.

The girls got to paint

For how much I paint the house, the girls get ripped off on painting time.  Clara makes a mess and it makes me crazy, so I limit it.  Eventually she will make less off a mess and they will be able to do it more.

Today, Natalie impressed me with her coloring in the lines ability.  I have no idea I'd she should color better than this or not and don't care.  I thought it was pretty good.

Meanwhile, Clara got paint on her hands, tried to lick it off, wiped it on me and then dumped paint on the floor.  Good times.

A memorial for Paige

I haven't posted in a while.  I've been busy getting things ready for Paige's memorial.

The weekend was crazy.  Friday night, we had 19 people sleep over.  Saturday, we had 23.    On Thursday I made a huge Costco run and that was our food for the weekend.

I didn't sleep we'll for a week before the memorial...because so many people were going to be sleeping over and I had a eulogy to write and all I could think of to say was, Paige had a crap life and then Paige died.  I figured it wouldn't go over well, so I spent nights fretting about how that was all I had to say.

A friend with a child similar to Paige checked in on me because she knew the memorial was coming up and she helped me come up with stuff to say.  It was really nice of her and must have been hard to put herself in my shoes for some time.

When I don't sleep well, I cry easily.  So a half hour before Paige's memorial was to start, I started crying.  It was rather ridiculous.  I was hiding in my bathroom, holding Clara and listening to my niece chatter on about something and was crying.

Finally, I pulled myself together and started the memorial, after everyone arrived.  I started crying during the poem, because tired does that to me and I imagined a car driving off of a cliff.  I just kept thinking, keep going!!!  Keep going!!!  The car will right itself if you just keep going!!!  I pulled I back together not too long after.

I explained our new pink dogwood tree.  A tree we planted because it would be pink in spring and Paige was so very pretty in pink.  It's supposed to be pretty all year long and will stand out well against our evergreens.

I started with a poem by anonymous:

In tears we saw you sinking

And watched you pass away

Our hearts were broken

Because we wanted you to stay

When we saw you slipping away

So peaceful and free of pain

How could we wish you back  with us

To suffer that again

It broke our hearts to lose you

But you did not go alone

For a part of us went with you

The day God took you home

Then I talked about our dreams.  I had dreamed of Paige and Natalie playing together, running, laughing, holding hands, but that wasn't to be.  So I dreamed of her learning to sit, grow strong and to still play with her sisters, just in a manner more appropriate to her skills, but that also wasn't to be.  So I dreamed of her not hurting, of not suffering, of her not having to fight for every single moment of her life. Most of all, I hoped that despite everything, she somehow knew she was loved.

Then I talked about Paige.  Paige was sick her whole life and spent her final weeks surrounded by those that loved her.  She had eight months without a seizure, during which she learned to roll over and to explore things with her mouth and hands.  She liked bells, music, sweet treats and being held. She hated being cold and for a while baths.  If she encountered something she didn't prefer, she would pretend to be asleep.  Her death is a curse and blessing. For while she is no longer here, she also no longer suffers.

Then I spread her ashes around her tree.  And as I got the last of her ashes out, I heard a car pull up our driveway.  No kidding.  Oh well, we started a half hour late.

The rest of the day was eating and visiting.

Today I was working on our yearly photo book and had to do February, our last month with Paige.  It'sstill strange  to think that there will never be a new picture of her.